oh god...i hate secrets. at least you're not getting a flight itinerary via email the day of or before his arrival or departure! this morning he confessed that he puts his travel plans online ON HIS GAYROMEO PROFILE so i will see it. instead of um, like, telling me to my face. (foreshadowed irony)
so, yeah...he's perfect. i know you only hear (everyone only hears) the horrible things...it's because i am an absolute mess when i am not around him. when we are together, it is beyond perfect - until that wrenching goodbye (quoting the adage about saying so long instead would be a hilarious play on words in this scenario). that magnanimous hello came way before i expected and again i was shocked to see him not exactly pretending that nothing happened, but just moving on from the whole situation.
i have never been this vicious to someone in my life and i have never had anyone do the awful things he has done to me (referencing emotional damage on both accounts). we have been going through absolute psychological warfare, and then the game turns fun again (with the proverbial dangling carrot of sex) and we spend hours having MIND BLOWING SEX (this weekend, the hours turned into days) and we admit that this destroying each other, with our brains, is the hottest thing either one of us has ever experienced. *deep breath*
i actually had to step away from the computer for a moment because when i think of how awfully sweet this whole situation is, it makes me sick. it is a horrible situation, not a horrible guy - and in turn we do horrible things to each other.
yes, there were a lot of things happening that shouldn't have...and that is part of the problem (the recreational activities) and the more i tell him he should not do it and that it is bad for him, the more of a bad boy he becomes. i participate and yell at him - all of it to my chagrin, but i feel as if i don't start to make small strides to at least try and help him, i will be plagued with guilt and pain from what will inevitably happen.
i still don't know what happened with [his boyfriend]. and no matter how important that is to our discourse, it is becoming irrelevant in comparison to his maddening jealousy. at one time charming, this possessive beast inside ruins any chances of us having a logical sort of loose ended sexual relationship (with love thrown in for good measure) and he really came to form this weekend in a lot of ways that i will share with you later. the whole nonsense is not worth typing about and it the most foolish "problem" i have ever had to deal with in ANY relationship i ever had.
basically - GAYROMEO.
he is a hypocrite...and is constantly on that site...and he asked me to go on this weekend to cruise for guys (not necessarily to have sex with). i knew it was all a test, and i pushed the game to the limit...and in the end, we both lost. our final morning together (today? yesterday?) it all came to a head - and we grew distant - and tried to end it (again) and there were almost tears and lots of yelling (on my part) and him suddenly reverting back to his selective english. it got a little physical, but not in the violent way (or maybe it was violent) because instead of talking he just kept trying to kiss me, and when i pushed him away he struggled, and then tried to run away so i had to grab him and force him to sit down several times, and then i had to grab his face and make him look at me. a lot of it is a blur...
i noticed half way into the whole argument process that he had a raging boner. germans are evil perverts.
it ended with him packing up his car and me not understanding how to work my bike lock - i was destroyed again. i said something like, "i'm just going to go crazy again, i'm crazy about you, you make me crazy, this whole thing is crazy, sorry." and his eyes were full of sweat and tears and i rode off and didn't look back. since then, the regularly scheduled program of me acting slutty online (when in reality i am just trying to make him jealous - a factoid he knows all too well) and him sending me HORRIBLE text messages about what a respectless whore i am. it's so stupid. GAYROMEO DOT COM IS KEEPING ME FROM THE MAN I LOVE.
he has all this HORRIBLE jealousy but does not realize that i do not belong to him (but i do, and i told him that) and he has no right, being the cheating bastard...cheating on [the boyfriend], [the boyfriend] cheating on him, and he is MAD JEALOUS TOWARDS ME.
we are crazy.
and it is enlightening. i just wish it weren't so encompassing. so treasure what you have with yours, when you have it - Daddy goes back to the easy, convenient lover on july 4th or something...and i am sure we will push many limits and buttons until then and have copious amounts of MIND BLOWING SEX (i know it's going to be good because he spawned that "leave me alone" text message again...always a precursor to him rimming my asshole FOR OVER AN HOUR).
but it is poison, and it is the anecdote. i am so sick.
he is so perfect.